The Pyramids of Giza…the thing to see and do when you come to Egypt…and we wouldn’t be going to them until a full week after we got to the country!  Sure, we would see them from our deck in the hotel and out the window of the restaurant for lunch, but my husband wanted to be there now, right when we landed in Cairo!   So when the tour leader pitched some optional extra tours for our visit, we brushed off the visit to the old Aswan village and then sound and light show at the Luxor Temple…but he was persistent.

Once the guide figured out my husband likes to drive…and drive fast and maybe a little reckless like the laneless mess that is Cairo traffic…he had our number.   He showed a picture of a tour option and the Boy lit up like a Christmas tree.   And just like that, I had a 4:30 am wake up call for the next morning and was on my way to ride ATVs around the desert and the Pyramids of Giza…bad idea #21 of this trip for those who lost count already…

The reality of what we signed up for was unfortunately miles apart from the expectation set from that one shiny photo on the phone screen.  

The Expectation:  Us on a fast ATV speeding up and down the dunes that were so horrible for climbing in Morocco, then turning a corner to find ourselves at the base of the Great Pyramid and maybe we could zip around it a few times before doing donuts in front of the Sphinx as the sun rose, then posing for one pristine photo that we could use for life to show we are ridiculous badasses…

The Reality:  Dead Camel Lane…

We had to wait half an hour once we got to the ATV shop because the bikes wouldn’t start…and when they finally appeared on a backup bike, there was a rush to leave so we didn’t miss the sunrise we paid to see so the instructions were perhaps lacking.   One man came up to me and pointed to the right handle and said “gas” then the left handle and said “break”…and then he walked away.   Another man came up for what I assumed was the advanced lesson, but he simply pointed to the right handle in front and said “gas” then in back of the same handle he said “break” and finally pointed directly under my left foot and told me “do not touch”.   And that was it.   Our guide, who spoke no English whatsoever, took off down the windy alleys of Cairo and expected us to follow.   

So we did…We blindly went after this man passing horses and cars and school children who chased us hoping for some money and every few minutes he would turn around to ensure we were still in the vicinity.  And then, suddenly my husband wasn’t.  His ATV died in the middle of a dirty winding alley of Cairo and we left him behind…so the guide turned around to help and suddenly I was left alone in a narrow space unsure of how long or even how to turn my ATV around to go join my safety of the guide and the husband…poor life decisions indeed…

When we got running again, we turned towards the desert…but we still had a distance to travel to the dunes.   Specifically, we had to travel down what we both independently dubbed “Dead Camel Lane”.  I should back up and mention that Cairo is a very dirty city.   The citizens seem to be of the mentality that they can dump their trash anywhere along the way and someone else will worry about cleaning it up or burning it.   So there are trash piles everywhere you look…and on the small windy road to the desert on our ATVs, they also chose those trash piles to leave 2 dead horses and a dead camel at the bases.   Have you ever tried to hold your breath for 100 yards while trying to steer an ATV along a rocky, sandy desert path?   It’s impossible and the stench of decaying camel is something that might never be erased…

Thankfully, that was the last scary hurdle before we got into the desert.   Pyramids here we come…or so we thought…We went up the hills and across the sandy “roads” and our guide started communicating with hand signals which was a smart plan as we were speeding through the dust…except they never told us what the hand signals meant, so each time I thought he was either telling me to pass him (which they warned me never to do), slow down, or pay him some money…with an overload of conflicting options and an inability to steer, I just stopped…and then my husband’s ATV died again.   Apparently, the replacement machine they went to find before our tour was one that only worked if the gas button was continuously held down.  So if he wanted to speed up, he released the break and if he wanted to slow down he pressed the break mored, but if he was told to come to a complete stop and had to let off the gas, the entire machine stopped again…at least 20 times in our 2 hour ride! [Ed. note: seriously. My accelerator became my break handle – release the break to go, hold it to slow down. Letting go of the gas killed the engine – which happened a couple of times going down a dune. I didn’t want to accelerate downhill, so I’d let up on the gas, which killed my engine but not my momentum, so I had to hit the ignition 5-10 times hoping the engine restarted before I came to a stop in the sand. No one knew but me…over and over and over again.]

All of these trails would have been worth it if we did in fact get to zip around the Pyramids as anticipated…but an hour and a half into our trip we still had yet to view even a glimpse of the promised Ancient Wonders…and then the guide put us right up along the scary military grade fence and pointed off into the hazy horizon…did we see that faint outline there?  A pyramid!  There, in the foggy sandy haze!

And that was it.   The promised photo-op.   And when we were finished, it was straight back down Dead Camel Lane to return the dying ATVs and begin our long day of touring Cairo and around it…

Reality sucks…